Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Whose Unwarranted Success Irritates You The Most?

And the winner is… the envelope please…

Heidi… MONTAG!

The results of The Pickle Award poll are official. Drastic plastic or not, Heidi more than made the cut. According to exit polls (voters hastily leaving the page?), women in particular relished giving Heidi 33% of the vote. Green with pickle envy?

Michele Bachmann and Dr. Phil ended in a tie for second. A voter, Alex, commented, “This is like Sophie's Choice... who is more worthless, Michelle Bachmann or Heidi Montag?” He didn’t deign to mention Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil has ratings problems; “Other,” an option without a degree, did almost as well.

What becomes a Pickle most? For Heidi, the fickle pickle of fatuity, it’s sheer gall—divided into three parts: ambition, vanity and vacuity. You probably aren’t aware that the music on The Pickle Award video is from Heidi’s new CD. And what is the last thing you’d think she’d call her CD? “Superficial.” That’s the title. Which happens to be the title song as well. Superficial? A portion of the lyric appears below.

You may have participated in the first Pickle Award poll—or you may not have. To its credit, the web host, Blogspot, sees to it that the poll is tamperproof. But, dismayingly, Blogspot’s poll is not glitch-proof. In the poll’s first days, many votes were inadvertently unrecorded. Subsequent investigation disclosed that insidious browsers—lowbrowsers, decidedly—were the villains. To be sure, the discrepancies were neither as critical, nor as nefarious, as the disputed Florida vote count in 2000 and the ensuing Supreme Court Bush v. Gore perfidy that elevated my initial model candidate for the Pickle Award, George W. Bush, to conspicuous presumption. (Acknowledgeably, it may be tantamount to beating a dead horse, but based on his qualifications to hold the highest office in the land, which add up to a “zera” worthy of “dubya,” can you forthrightly think of a jim-dandier Pickle candidate by definition? An “Other” voter, JRDegan, commented, “speaking of unmerited reward… I move that we nickname the Pickle Award the Dubya.” If you’re inclined to disagree, you should reread the Pickle Award description—slowly.) This isn’t a case of sour pickles vis-à-vis the Supreme Court, but since I am the supreme court on this site, I appropriately recused myself from any participation that might influence the outcome. (Clarence and Antonin take note.) I solemnly swear the glitches have been summarily eliminated. We will conduct the second Pickle Award poll in two weeks.

Which brings me to you. A note at the bottom of the entry “Introducing… The Pickle Award," stated: In all future polls, you the reader will pose the questions and the candidates. We will conduct another poll the first week of every month. When we get around to it, we will award a small prize to the person posing the best question for the poll; don’t hold your breath. (All right, it will be retroactive.) The mastermind of the month’s selected Pickle question and candidates will always get credit for his or her ideas, if desired. Submit as many as you like. I want to hear them! Please forward yours to sonofthecucumberking@gmail.com, stating Pickle Award on the subject line.

I can’t fathom what pleasure Heidi is getting from life—from surgery to mockery—but I derived mine from reading, and rereading, the “Comments” citing “Other” deserving Pickle candidates and the astute and amusing arguments for the worthiness of their worthlessness. Among my favorites:
Becca: Nadya Suleman
Kate and Jon Gosselin OR
The cast of The Jersey Shore
(and isn't it sad that I know who these people are?

Jacopo: Submitted for the Academy's consideration: Glenn Beck.

Sugar Magnolia: It depends on which day you ask me. Yesterday, it was Paris Hilton. Today it is Sarah Palin. Tomorrow? Ah… so little time. So many worthless targets...

Anonymous: Dick Cheney...Talk about a pickle...how I would like to see something positive come out of his mouth....anything!!! ( and unfortunately his daughter has been trained to follow his lead)...they both look so unhappy.

Rik Misiura PT: I vote the 536 representatives of the government.
W. finally found popularity with liberals, and Obama was derided for being one.

Conclusively getting down to the bottom line—my favorite antagonist, Elsie: Personally I suggest a 24 hour hi-colonic so the poop comes from the correct end.

Let’s let the winner have the last word(s):

They say I’m superficial
Some call me a bitch
They just mad cause
I’m sexy, famous and I’m rich

And I don't care
That I keep pissin' people off
Ima let 'em talk
I don't give a damn what they say
It isn't fair
That I wear diamonds for breakfast
And I know this isn't helping

It ain’t that easy, it ain’t that easy
It ain’t that easy, but it ain’t so hard
Heidi Montag takes the Pickle!


  1. A decidedly ignominious award for one SO deserving.

    I suggest we mail her a pickle, SOUR to be sure, C.O.D., so that she will be a little less "richy" (but likely not less bitchy).

  2. While I initially cast my vote for Glenn Beck, I have to say... the more I learned about Heidi Montag, the more it seemed she took the pickle.


  3. The pickle is hers, and fairly won. (Also, how much do you want to wager that she's going to celebrate with some surgery?)


  4. Monsieur Le Fox: Antagonist? Mai Non! There is nothing to oppose! Some of what I read is ridiculous. Some Sublime. Mine is never to oppose merely to propose. A different perspective. I am against the deification of Obama, I stand opposed to those obsessed with hate for Senor Bush. Would that Rodney King had become our fearless leader perhaps there would have been a chance for all of us to get along. Mais non. Vive la difference! I thoroughly enjoyed the pickle party even the sours and half sours and look forward to more of such fun. As Monsieur Jacopo has stated: Congrats indeed!


  5. For a new poll I would like to suggest:

    Which is the worst pickle a politician can be in from healthcare?

    1) Ben Nelson for the Cornhusker Kickback
    2) Mary Landrieu for the Louisian Purchas
    3) Dennis Kucinich for the alien allowance
    4) George Bush (why not? blame EVERYTHING on him)

    Elsie's Friend, Ferdinand (tired of all the other bull)

  6. Love it ray after People Mags story this girl is right up there, blog about the Award in the morning, then on to Ethiopia!

  7. Thanks, Kent. I want "Cucumber" readers to get to know the most Travelin' Man I know. (GoNOMAD.com and "Be Our Guest")

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  9. Elsie says:
    “Monsieur Le Fox: Antagonist? Mai Non! There is nothing to oppose! … A different perspective. … Vive la difference! I thoroughly enjoyed the pickle party even the sours and half sours and look forward to more of such fun.”

    Dear Elsie,

    This is why I look forward to you. You won’t find greener pastures. Graze freely.